angst is not just for teenagers

I knew this would be hard, and so it is. In the midst of my angst I feel like I may loose it at anytime. However, this was my expectation so I feel okay about all the angst. I am even a little humored by it. What I have come to expect each day, my beloved and delicate routine, is never satisfied. This is hard. I don’t yet know what to actually expect. All I can expect is that I will be thrown for a loop, and a routine is not something I can depend on.

I have come to cherish the bus ride to school in the morning. Everyone is still waking up so conversation is extremely optional. I have a mug of hot coffee, sometimes my ipod, and a beautiful morning view to enjoy. Sometimes I sit by Quinton and he listens to me blabber about this or that, and occasionally he cracks a joke which gives me a good laugh to start my day. The getting ready part of my morning, before the bus ride, generally puts my mood on edge (‘ too many kids in this tub’ syndrome), and the bus ride soothes me. It prepares me to begin my school day.

Like I have written before the bus is a piece of shit. As we were leaving school the other day it wouldn’t start and the gears would not shift at all, so we had to take the public bus home. That was a fun adventure and turned into a fun and out of the ordinary night. We took Khalila’s kids with us on the public bus and they came over to our house while Khalila drove the rest of the school children home and ran errands. The walk from the bus to our house was in a torrential downpour and we were all soaked by the time we walked the three blocks to our house. At the house we dried off and changed clothes. A movie and chicken soup was in demand so we got cozy and enjoyed the dreary afternoon. Khalila came to retrieve her children and before they left we enjoyed the chicken soup as it rained and rained outside.

The next morning at six am sharp Saul, the bus driver, came for us in a pickup truck rather than the school bus (remember the trouble from the day before). We had to get in the back of the truck. I was wearing a skirt and buttoned down shirt and even spent more than 30 seconds on my hair. Once we started for school I felt the cold of the morning and the wind blew my hair around making dreadlocks. I shivered and cursed my way to school.
Perhaps this ride to school should have affected me no less than the ride home from school the day before. Both were upsets to my “routine”. Both were really not that big of a deal. Everything here is one adventure after another. My senses are always on high alert. And sometimes all I want is normality. Something that is normal to me. Something I recognize. And sometimes I want to get pissed off.

I know that my angst is stemming from the fact that I am sharing tiny little room and a house with way too many people. I want some space. I want independence. They tell us every week that our house will be finished by the weekend. And it has been close to seven weekends that it has not been finished. This weekend to make my self feel a little more settled I went out and bought a bunch of stuff for my new room. While Julie and I were looking around for stuff we came across a very battered and taped up box of Beneigt Mix (French doughnuts from New Orleans…a family favorite). It seemed to have fallen out of the clear blue sky and landed on the shelf in this super mercado just for us. We made them for breakfast this morning and enjoyed them with coffee and stories of New Orleans. Now I am enjoying my organized room thanks to yesterday’s purchases and will spend this rainy afternoon planning lessons and drinking hot tea. Doesn’t sound too bad does it?